My hardest time of the year

Autumn is kicking in even harder everyday. Darkness and rain effect on my mood. This is the hardest time of the year, at least for me. The weirdest thing is that although I am very tired I for some crazy reason I force myself to stay up for like 11pm. I know I have to wake up at 6.30am or I miss the bus.

I don't know how I'm coping with all the things going on at the same time. There's orchestra, theatre, musical, singing lessons, two choirs, violin etc. And in the next two weeks I will have at least one big performance of them. On side I also should be doing some real school work. I'm doing my last courses before the final exams, the matricular examinations, and they're crusial.

In the back of my head I'm trying to keep an eye on my mental health. Just checking how do I create my thoughts, how do they affect on my behaviour and are my thoughts and acts realistic and rational.

I just watched the movie Black Swan. Although some ballet dancers criticize the movie I like the message that I receive: there is no perfection. It is dangerous to get involved so deeply into something that you cannot handle. In my case it means that I shouldn't get involved in too many things which eventually burns me out and locks me down physically and psychologically. Luckily I know already what's it like so I can see the signs if I'm still in my senses.

Hopefully this is temporary. Mostly it's up to me but you never know. Luckily I have a lot people to support me: my family (although it's tense sometimes), friends and of course my boyfriend.

Eventhough the sun doesn't shine and the sky is just pissing on us I'm trying my best: smile and give hugs.

Waiting for the snow season to kick in!

Moose hunt. Hirvijahti.

We arrived to the hunting hut with dad after 11pm. It was already pitch black and I was a little bit scared while driving on the road 80km/h and with only the car lights showing the way. Finally we got there and because it was so late we didn't have the time to heat the hut up, I slept with a fleece on.

The wake up call was 6.30am and we were supposed to meet 7.30am for the orders (luckily just in the other side of the hut).

In the beginning we had a license to shoot seven elks, four adults and three calfs.

There were about 16 walkers and about the same amount of shooters. And there were at least 7 foreigners! Some rich British, German, Swiss and Spanish men.

My horn which I used to scare the moose/elks.

This one was the last one and we did it from south to north.

8th we did from right to left.

At 9am we were all set up and the first hunt started. The walkers were in the line, hundreds of meters apart from each other, and in the end of our walk were the shooters waiting for the moose to come to them. The first hunt was two hours and a quarter. Not too bad for the first one but it was so wet! I stepped into a swamp so there went my dry socks. I didn't really have the time to look at the nature properly because all the time I had to either blow the horn, check the compass or the map or watch my step.

I never thought trough this whole moose hunting operation. I didn't think about the part where you're supposed to take the insides out from the moose while it's still warm. Or the part where the skin gets taken off. In the end I also took part in the skinning. I just wasn't supposed to think about what I was actually doing and it was fine. There was this Swiss man who guided me. The biggest thing that made the skinning so uncomfortable was the fact that I visited a fur farm couple weeks back. I think it is wrong to grow animals just because they will get killed because of their fur. Animals for human food it's too complicated for me so I'm gonna drop the whole subject. But killing moose/elks isn't that bad. They live in the wild and then we have to balance how many are there. Yes I know some people would say that the mother nature does that for us, but I think this is reasonable.

This is the photo that I dislike. It's a good photo but it makes me sad.

On sunday someone shot on calf but it wasn't a fatal shot so they had to send dogs after the calf. We, the walkers, just had to wait for the shooters to take care of it. Afterwards we found out that the on calf wasn't even shot, but someone shot another calf. So after the whole weekend there's only one license left for an adult.

I am so exchausted after the whole weekend so I was happy to be early at home. Probably tomorrow all my muscles must be so stiff. Luckily I have until next year to get better because I can't make it for the next hunting weekend.

Autumn <3 Syksy <3

At the moment I'm sitting in a car with my dad going to Heinävesi. We're going to go moose/elk hunting. It's gonna be an intense weekend including a lot of walking in the woods. I am not gonna shoot at anything because I haven't got a license or a gun but I'm gonna be the one guiding the elks to the shooters. There will be in a tight line with a bunch of other people walking trough the bush. As a payback for the whole weekend we will get pure moose meat later in the autumn. It is the most pure meat you can get: no fences for the animals, no humans trying to effect on their eating and no manipulated genes. The meat is also very tasty. It's similar with beef and venice but obliviously not the same.

I had to take my camera with me because the "ruska" (the coloring in the leafs in autumn) is blossoming and according to the forecast we'll have a great weather. Not that I'm relying on that.

Apua! Kuuleeko kukaan?!?

Tänään aamulla hesaria lukiessa tuli kyyneleet silmiin ja pääsi siinä pieni itku. Luin A6-7 artikkelia Nuoria siirrellään luukulta toiselle, joka kertoo nuorten masennuksesta ja kuinka sen hoito on puutteellista.

Artikkeli sai muistelemaan yhdeksännettä luokkaa ja kuinka masennustani hoidettiin. Silloin oli jo kyse nuorten siirtelmisestä paikasta toiseen. Koko hoidon ajan minua siireltiin kolmen eri tahon keskellä ja kävin viidellä eri psykologilla ja yhdellä psykiatrilla. Näiden lisäksi kuvioissa oli mukana, kouluterveydenhoitajia kaksin kappalein ja koulukuraattori. On upeaa, että sain apua niin monelta taholta, mutta ongelma oli, että kukaan ei kommunikoinut keskenään. Jokaiselle jouduin erikseen selittämään ja purkamaan. Jokainen kysyi ne samat kysymykset jotka olin jo kuullut neljä kertaa.

Nykyään en edes jaksa vaivautua menemään koulupsykologille jos tarvitsisin ulkopuolisen apua, koska aikana jolloin olen ollut lukiossa, meillä on ollut kolme vai neljä eri psykologia. Olen käynyt kolmen luona. Tilanteeni ei tietenkään ole ollut akuutti enää moneen vuoteen, eikä pahimmasta päästä, mutta ymmärrän apua todella tarvitsevien tuskan. Palveluista on pulaa ja kun pääsin Itä-Vantaan Nuorisopsykiatriselle Poliklinikalle hoitoon oli muun hoidon alkamisesta jo melkein vuosi.

Millä perusteella nuori pääsee hoitoon? Valitettavasti osa nuorista, jotka tarvitsisivat hoitoa eivät sitä ymmärrä eivätkä koskaan pääse hoitoon vaan päättävät kärsimyksensä omalla, ainoalla tavalla jonka tietävät.